Its been an interesting three weeks or so. I can say honestly that I am 180 degrees from where I was. What do I attribute all these changes to? A profound change in my view of life.

I spent most of my life thinking about the changes I wanted and needed to make in my life but in, all I did was think about them. I didn't actually do anything about them, should have but didn't. What caused these changes? Essentailly losing everything that I once had and took for granted. Specifically - a person - ME !!! I lost me. I lost me to the darkness of depression and a downward spiraling self-destruction that only ended after I had hit bottom so hard I bounced. Well okay so I skidded brutally for a about a month but during that time, I saw everything I 'had' unravel at ftl (faster-then-light) speeds. A relationship with the most incredible person on this planet was all but over, the relationship I had built with her kids was in even worse tatters. To put it bluntly... everything I had once held dear, I had systematically destroyed.

As I said, I hit bottom. Then all I can say is that something changed... something... I don't have a word that fits into the english language (or at least that I personally know that will work) and it was as if... I suddenly understood and I marvelled at the destruction and the darkness that had become my self-image, my self-view, my self period. I had become well... to be blunt, bitter, miserable, hateful, and spiteful of life.

So I gave my darkness a form - a demon if you will, named, bound it, found it, fought it, destroyed it. Thats when I surveyed the real carnage of my life and saw how far I had fallen into the darkness, how far I had fallen and saw for the first time the light in a long long time.

I immediately set out to clean up my pysche which was now a trash strewn landfill. My fault it got that way in the first place, my responsibility to clean it up. So I began the task of clearing out the crap. I can tell you that I don't like what I found, I had not realized truly the depth of my depression, the depths of my resentment, the depths of my self-destructiveness. I found my task...almost but not quite more then I could bear and for one brief moment, I almost gave up.... Almost.

At the moment I stood at the crossroad, seeing where I had been and seeing where I wanted to be, I made my choice, and in that moment, there were no more doubts. I had decided to fight for my life, to have a life again. You see I am doing this for me but I can say proudly that all of you will benefit as well. NO matter how you choose to look at it, no matter what you think or belive about why I am doing this - I am doing it for me. Firstly if I am not mentally whole, how can I live a healthy life, how can I excel anywhere (home or work or elsewhere) if I cannot look at myself externally or internally and accept myself. Secondly, how can I ever give a person who might want to be in my life a true partnership, if I cannot accept myself. I know that for the longest time, it it was easier to 'work' on other people then myself. Why? Your own problems are often to painful to deal with. Mine certainly were. I ran from mine until eventually I had run so far I lost everything I once valued and believed in. Me, the incredible woman who has been my friend for 12 plus years, her obnxious children whom are incredibly judgemental and have this serious inability to forgive your faults (which at times I definitely deserved) but forget all to often their own faults, problems, issues. To you two - I say GET OVER IT. Neither of you are living a perfect life, neither of you have it all figured out. I accept that I was a truly horrible person. I accept that I made a lot of poor choices. I admit that the person I was was far from nice and often life was difficult when I was around but also please understand that both of you are not guiltless nor blameless, I just happen to own the largest share of the mess. I am striving to make real changes in my life, changes that will help me to heal, help me to be whole, help me to have *I hope* the chance to be forgiven. I no longer need your approval to live my life and why I thought I had to have it, I am not really sure even today but the bottom line is I am changing for me - You are welcome to benefit from it but you are not needed in my life - but you are both wanted.

Okay - I feel better, rambled, ranted a little, wrote, *therapy by keyboard*.

I have lost 12 pounds and have been exercising daily, I am tired when I am done but it is a good tired and the more I can do, the more I do, do. So right now I average 5-10 minutes on the stair stepper and about 10 minutes or so on the exercise bike and 10 minutes of intense powerwalking. May not seem like much but trust me.... I am in better shape physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually now then I was a year ago and I am gaining ground on all areas of my life.

There is even hope and the possibility that my muse, will at some point give me a chance to prove to her that I am not the person I was and that I am the person I want to be. You never truly understand what you have lost until steps out of your reach. Life undercontstruction, watch for rainbows.